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looking for Wretched?

how are you feeling today?

for quite a long while, i had no answer to this question. not to say that i felt necessarily empty, but i had so many conflicting feelings boiling within that i couldn't speak out a concise answer. i rambled needlessly about how i felt, from politics to my relationships. without a filter — something that i always lacked, even the most personal details of my life were put into a slush of words. why is that?

i seek wisdom to guide me further. we often dream of liberating our tiny minds from the influence of others and independently craft the life we want for ourselves, but there is an uncomfortable truth to it all that exists as the necessity of knowledge, and how knowledge must be obtained from those that have it: i learned to cook pasta from my mama, i learned to use a computer from my papa. but we learn every day, and with myself living through a hardship, that is what i do on the daily. i'm seeking wisdom to help me go farther.

wisdom can be found anywhere. i find it in strangers and in the youth. to me, the greatest wisdom is found in those that aren't infatuated with the bureaucracy of life. the youth — the tiny part of this world that aren't playing the life they want, they are living the life they have. there is no greater organic knowledge than the one coming from those living procedurally.

how am i feeling today? i feel a melting pot of things, but one day its going to cool down only to be reborn with a clear view of what i am going to be. i seek wisdom from strangers and the youth to help me along the way. i may feel my mind breaking from fatigue and routine, i may damage my fragile body via poor nutrition and laziness, but i'm running through it like a madman to fully transform into what i am.

and you too, if you are my age, if you live in the world i live, is coursing through this part of life. it's hard, but its none of our fault. we have often woke up to a feeling of dread, that there is a prevailing pointlessness to all of it. we have lost motivation to do the simplest of things, oh so many times it's practically embarassing. we fail school, or winning it without a feeling that we're ever doing something (— or something worthwhile, perhaps?). we work the most boring jobs, or fail to find work at all, or even fail to find the precedently mentioned motivation to search it. we crave validation like crazy, foolishly looking for opportunities for people to gladly say our name, or validate our existence. we feel our lack of love is not always our fault because we have this innate feeling that the other side isn't committing enough, yet we equally blame ourselves for such obvious failures. or if you have found love — sometimes, you secretly wish you hadn't found it at all. we are losing our trust in friends. even relationships are appearing to be mechanical.

this, is not ordinary. at the same time, it's universal, prevalent, general. we all feel this, yet we feel that we are alone in feeling it. we look at others and see what they live, then we reflect upon our own life and see the relative emptyness... but at its core, whether we like or not, there is no emptyness. we feel envy despite a physical fulfillment of what is supposed to make us happy.

in 1957, a collective was founded under the name of the Situationist International. their tenet was simple: we stopped from truly living things, from individually expressing ourselves, and began expressing ourselves from the things we have (in the form of commodities or experiences we shared). we began to crave not the fulfillment of our inner wishes, but rather the fulfillment of images we learn from society, essentially wishes that aren't ours but are simply known as societaly desirable. this phenomenon, wherein organic experiences are replaced with societal expectations, was called by the situationists the spectacle.

"Another important concept of situationist theory was the primary means of counteracting the spectacle; the construction of situations, moments of life deliberately constructed for the purpose of reawakening and pursuing authentic desires, experiencing the feeling of life and adventure, and the liberation of everyday life."

simply, real life is increasingly replaced with representations of real life. people begin to crave a 'normal' life, wherein 'normal' things happen (did you ever wish to have a 'normal' relationship like 'normal' people? or a normal career path?). the quintessential act of living organically is replaced with the fallacious and detrimental act of playing on a stage the things we want to live (thus, the expression "spectacle").

and that is why everything feels so empty.

everything we do becomes played, not lived. we started wishing for the average. we look at a conventional lifestyle and mentally wish for it instead of seeing the life we have AT THIS PRECISE MOMENT as our average, our condition of normality. we increasingly fail to realize our relative luxury, the opportunities which lay before us, simply because we look at something else others consider desirable.

i sincerely wish things were different. myself, i feel this emptiness, despite the melting pot of feelings within. i feel hopeless, and at the same time hopeful. it's a weird contradiction that arises.

i mind it too much. remember when i said i felt my mind breaking from fatigue and routine? that's because paranoia and anxiety rises, randomly interjected by dark thoughts and repetitive, almost psychedelic feelings. i believe i'm keeping my rationality (at least to an extent), therefore i don't think i'm going to literally break any time soon, but i did degenerate in matters of healthy thinking and imagination in some way, and it's troubling me. nothing that seems like insane disorders such as schizophrenia, but perhaps something more related to an anxiety disorder or perhaps depression. writing helps, that's why i came up with this webpage after all. spending time with the people i love also greatly improves the state of my mind, but to an extent since my distrust is kicking in more than ever, making myself suspicious of their intentions towards me. but nah, i know its just delusional fantasy and they probably don't really have bad intentions towards me, but i sincerely feel like it, unfortunately. maybe this will resolve itself. maybe i will have to seek professional help. i'll see.

for now, i'll try to ride it out. most of my routine isn't affected by whatever i'm feeling, so i'm not guessing its anything severe, but i'm not a psychologist either so i cannot truly know. i only wish for the best. and i also wish the best to my friends that are going through mental hardships just like i do, and i wish the best to the strangers that are also doing it (perhaps, you?)

thanks for reading if you have. i wish you a good night. ❤️